Princípios de uma Resposta Sábia a Conflito

 

Seja uma presença transformadora com esses princípios

 

 

 

Com pensamento e prática, qualquer pessoa pode expandir significativamente sua capacidade de lidar bem com conflitos. Em outras seções deste tutorial, há etapas práticas para ajudar nisso.

Mas não estamos falando aqui de tarefas simples, como trocar o óleo de um carro ou consertar uma torneira, em que habilidades básicas e instruções claras costumam ser suficientes. A resposta eficaz ao conflito diz respeito a nós, seres complexos com emoções e vulnerabilidades, administrando-nos na presença de outros seres humanos, que também são complexos, emocionais e vulneráveis e cuja resposta não pode ser prevista. Nenhuma etapa 1-2-3 é adequada aqui. Habilidades e estratégias realmente ajudam no conflito, mas não são suficientes. Temos que aplicá-los a partir de nosso interior na busca sabedoria.

Vários princípios estão por trás das estratégias e sugestões de aprendizagem neste inventário. Afirmamos aqui, para que os possa avaliar e, se os considerar convincentes, incorpore-os à sua reflexão e prática. Ao colocá-los no centro dos esforços para melhorar a maneira como você lida com o conflito, você se coloca em um caminho de crescimento em todos os níveis do seu ser. Esses princípios têm a capacidade de expandir aqueles que os aplicam, não apenas em habilidades e estratégias, mas também de coração e alma.

1. Aceitação da diversidade e conflito

As diferenças fazem parte do ser humano, mesmo em ambientes onde as pessoas parecem semelhantes. Atuamos melhor no conflito se aceitarmos que é uma parte normal da vida. Ironicamente, quando aceitamos a realidade das diferenças, elas se tornam mais fáceis de gerenciar.

Neste mundo de diversidades, devemos ser capazes de oferecer também diversas respostas. Às vezes, sorrir e ser flexível é uma resposta sábia. Outras vezes, uma postura firme e sem concessões é sábia (pergunte a um pai sobre isso). Então, há momentos em que evitar o conflito inteiramente retirando-se é a única resposta sensata. 

Quando aceitamos que a diversidade é fundamental para a vida, podemos aplicar outros princípios, como ....

2. Autoconsciência

Fazemos escolhas melhores quando conhecemos nossos hábitos e tendências em conflito. A maioria das pessoas tem uma preferência clara por um ou dois estilos de resposta. Esse estilo parece natural, pois aprendemos padrões de como lidar com conflitos quando crianças e jovens adultos. Naqueles anos de formação, cada um de nós foi moldado por uma situação única para nós, criada por nossas próprias necessidades e habilidades, os estilos de conflito das pessoas próximas a nós e a influência da escola, religião e sociedade. Como adultos, muitos de nós ainda preferimos o estilo em que aprendemos a confiar naqueles primeiros anos. Uma vez que todos os estilos são valiosos em certas ocasiões e lugares, esse estilo básico preferido é um recurso contínuo que podemos recorrer quando necessário.

Mas se usarmos um estilo automaticamente, sem perceber que o estamos usando ou que outras respostas também estão disponíveis, nos colocamos diante de dificuldades. Tomar consciência dessas respostas instintivas ao conflito é provavelmente o passo mais importante que podemos dar para melhorar nossa capacidade de reagir com sabedoria quando as coisas estão difíceis. Então, podemos escolher nossas respostas em vez de reagir cegamente. O Style Matters ajuda a nos tornarmos mais autoconscientes, fornecendo uma imagem de nossas respostas aos conflitos.

3. Autogestão

A gestão de conflitos começa com a autogestão. Nós nos administramos melhor:

• Quando conhecemos nossos pontos fortes e os construímos;
• Quando estamos cientes do posto aos nossos pontos fortes, em particular os perigos de usá-los demais.

Nós nos beneficiamos prestando atenção aos pontos fortes associados aos nossos estilos de pontuação mais altos e aos custos do uso excessivo desses estilos. Ao nos tornarmos mais conscientes disso, expandimos nossos pontos fortes e aprendemos a evitar o uso excessivo desses estilos.

4. Flexibilidade

Diversidade e mudança parecem estar embutidas na realidade. Assim, a vida é mais fácil e servimos melhor os outros quando podemos nos adaptar. Ter habilidade em todos os cinco estilos de conflito nos permite lidar com uma ampla variedade de situações. Cada estilo é necessário para viver bem. Cada um tem seus pontos fortes e fracos. Cada um é a escolha certa em algumas situações e errada em outras.

Algumas pessoas são naturalmente flexíveis em conflitos e têm uma “pontuação fixa” neste inventário, o que significa que seus números estão todos dentro de três pontos um do outro. Isso sugere que essas pessoas se sentem confortáveis com todos os cinco estilos.

No entanto, a maioria das pessoas tem preferência por um ou dois estilos, refletida em uma pontuação de dois ou mais pontos a mais para um estilo do que para outros estilos. Quanto mais forte for sua preferência por um determinado estilo, maior será a probabilidade de você enfrentar os custos do uso excessivo associados a esse estilo. Procure oportunidades de usar os estilos em que você obteve a pontuação mais baixa. Ao expandir suas habilidades para fazer isso, você fortalece o gerenciamento de si mesmo. Você descobrirá que, com a prática, aprenderá reagir da maneira mais adequada, em vez da pura reação emocional.

Cada estilo requer um conjunto diferente de habilidades para ser bem usado. A maioria das pessoas já é bastante hábil em um ou dois estilos e desajeitada em alguns dos outros estilos. Identificaremos habilidades que ajudam a usar bem cada estilo, tornando mais fácil para você fortalecer essas habilidades. (Seção de habilidade a ser adicionada)

5. Escolha consciente

Respondemos com mais eficácia ao conflito quando usamos não apenas nossas emoções, mas também nossa inteligência, quando escolhemos em vez de reagir. Quando as emoções aumentam, tendemos a entrar no piloto automático e usar as respostas que aprendemos há muito tempo. A autoconsciência nos ajuda a mudar do modo de piloto automático para o modo de escolha consciente. Ao aprender os cinco estilos de resposta disponíveis em qualquer conflito, nos posicionamos para fazer escolhas conscientes. Isso significa que nossas escolhas funcionarão com certeza? Claro que não, não mais do que ser um motorista habilidoso garante que você nunca terá um acidente de carro. Mas quando temos uma gama de respostas nas quais somos bons, em vez de apenas uma, podemos responder das maneiras que nos dão melhores chances de sair de uma situação difícil com o mínimo de dano. Com o tempo, nossas vidas melhoram à medida que as consequências de uma resposta aprimorada se acumulam.

Talvez mais importante, à medida que começamos a fazer escolhas conscientemente em vez de reagir automaticamente, nos expandimos e crescemos como seres humanos. A escolha consciente nos leva além do jogo da culpa e nos permite, pela primeira vez, assumir a responsabilidade por nossas ações e por nosso futuro.

Mas a escolha consciente não significa cálculo sem fim para ponderar constantemente sobre todas as opções? Não, à medida que aprendemos e praticamos novas respostas, elas gradualmente se tornam automáticas. Um bom motorista freia instantaneamente e instintivamente quando surge o perigo, com apenas a intensidade da pressão do pé no freio exigida pelas circunstâncias. Da mesma forma, à medida que adquirimos habilidade em uma variedade de respostas, respondemos com menos esforço. Flexibilidade e resposta aos requisitos exclusivos de cada situação tornam-se uma segunda natureza. [Para um diagrama visual do processo de aprendizagem que dá uma imagem clara das etapas de crescimento, clique aqui .... Página adicional a ser adicionada aos Estágios de Desenvolvimento de Habilidades.]

6. Acolhendo luz e sombra

Nosso desejo de previsibilidade e controle nos leva a nos apegarmos a visões estreitas de quem devemos ser (maravilhosos) e de como as coisas deveriam ser (perfeitos e permanentes). Na realidade, quando vemos que outras pessoas e até nós mesmos, não nos encaixamos nos limites rígidos de nossas fantasias, tornamo-nos infelizes e com menos recursos para lidar com os problemas.

Este inventário aponta para uma visão diferente das coisas, a consciência de que "pontos fortes" e "pontos fracos", "bons" e "ruins" muitas vezes estão intimamente relacionados. Embutidos na "fraqueza" estão certos tipos de força; dentro do "fracasso" estão os recursos para a transformação. Da mesma forma, muitas qualidades pessoais frequentemente consideradas negativas são na verdade virtudes, embora com o volume muito alto ou tocado na hora errada. Por exemplo, "agressivo", discado de volta para um volume mais baixo, pode ser "assertivo". "Passivo" associado a uma energia mais alta pode significar flexibilidade ou equanimidade. Assim, em vez de lutar contra nós mesmos ou contra os outros que criam dificuldades, muitas vezes chegamos a uma solução se almejamos descobrir dons inesperados e recursos não reconhecidos em coisas que nos frustram. 

7. Aceitação de imperfeição .

Não importa o quão conscientes ou habilidosos sejamos, ainda assim nos machucamos e falhamos. Somos humanos, não deuses. O objetivo é aprender com os erros, acertar o que pudermos, perdoar quando pudermos e seguir em frente. Vivemos mais agradevelmente quando nosso foco está em viver plenamente, em vez de perfeitamente.

Essa atitude nos torna mais relaxados e melhor preparados para estar perto de outras pessoas. Também torna mais fácil reconhecermos quando "ultrapassamos o limite", sorrir para o nosso eu sério e nos prepararmos para fazer melhor da próxima vez. Um paradoxo de viver: aceitar que somos imperfeitos torna mais fácil nos tornarmos quem queremos ser e aumenta a probabilidade de atingirmos nosso ser mais completo.

Create a MySupport Page

A Page of Tips About You for People You Live or Work With

 

In just a few minutes you can create a list of support strategies tailored to your personal conflict style preferences. These are things that other people around you could do that would help you be at your best when disagreements arise.

Why might you want to create such a page? Creating a MySupport page is an exercise in selfknowledge about what helps you function well. Just as important, it is taking healthy responsibility for self, because it positions you to take constructive steps towards creating the environment that you need to function well.

For example, if you favor the Avoiding style and know that you function better if you've first had a chance to quietly reflect on things before negotiating with someone, you will be able to say, in a positive and constructive way, "I will be a better partner in this conversation if I have some time to think about the issues before we plunge into things. Could we plan to meet tomorrow afternoon so I have time to do that?"

People who care for you will be pleased to have specific suggestions about what to do or not to do that will be helpful for you. Typically people don't have a clear sense of what is helpful to others and they welcome ideas, especially those that you yourself have created. Sharing a list of stylesbased suggestions with others is an excellent, nonthreatening way to begin a conversation about managing differences more effectively. They may be motivated to also take the inventory and then you can make it a twoway exchange.

Instructions

Below is a list of suggestions for each style that are useful to many people who favor that style. Go first to the styles in which you had the highest scores in Calm or Storm.  Click the box in front of each suggestion that you think would be useful if those around you when do in relating to you in times of difficulty or conflict.   It's a good idea to scan other styles as well to see if there are any suggestions elsewhere that also work for you.   

When you are finished, click the Compile button at the bottom of the page.   The items that you checked will be compiled and downloaded to your computer in a PDF file. 

Optimizing Conflict Styles

Suggestions for Others to Help Me Function at My Best

from the Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory

For Colleagues of  

Things that people who favor the Directing Style often want from others:

 Move towards me, not away from me.
 Talk with me, don't go silent.
 If there's a problem, I want to sort it out as soon as possible. Delaying a discussion for no good reason upsets me!
 If you need space to cool down or think about things, that's fine but please explain your need and let me know specifically when you will be ready to talk about things (e.g., in an hour, or tomorrow at nine o'clock, etc).
 I am often very task-focused but I care more about relationships than I sometimes let on.
 If you remind me to give more attention to the relationship, I'll usually try to honor it.
 I am more likely to notice and respond positively to your needs if you approach me when I'm not in the middle of a task.
 Don't just tell me you have a problem; let me know you want to work with me to solve it.
 If you can, tell me what you want rather than dwelling on what you don't want.
 I appreciate being given information: about your intentions, options for resolution, data, etc. I respond positively to a sense that you're genuinely trying to help me get all the information needed to see what is going on.

Things that people who favor the Avoiding Style often want from others:

Giving me time and space to think things through almost always helps me to feel you're trying to be reasonable.
You will probably get more of what you want if you use a "two-step approach" with me. Step One: Tell me what you want to talk about and suggest a time to talk; Step Two: Only then, at the agreed time, have the discussion. Or: Step One: make a request and ask me to think about it. Step Two: Come back later to get my response.
Speed and pressure frustrate me.
Move slowly, one step at a time.
It's easier for me to be positive if you stay lowkey; as in keeping the volume and pressure down.
I am more likely to say yes to something if I have information about it and time to examine the info. The more data about precedents, possibilities, rules and regulations, cost, benefits, etc., I have, the better.
 

Things that people who favor the Cooperating Style often find useful as suggestions to others:

I don't want either of us to lose; I want both of us to win. I'm at my best when we work together to try to accomplish that.
I'm ready to put time and effort into dialogue on things I care about and I appreciate it when others are ready to do so as well.
It's important to me to talk things through and know all sides have been heard, not just have a shouting match.
I don't expect quick resolution of difficult matters. I'm prepared to go through a phase of intense discussion or disagreement. What matters to me most is the tone of things. I appreciate people who can strongly disagree in ways that are respectful.
I'm uncomfortable when people go along with me "just to be nice". I'd rather know exactly what you're thinking, in a respectful way of course.
I really appreciate a good listener.
You can be direct and candid about what you want with me, so long as you are respectful.
Taking responsibility for mistakes impresses me. I can overlook a lot so long as you circle back and make it right, but the sooner you do this, the less damage there will be.
I hear criticism more easily if you present it as information about things you want or need rather than making demands.
I like having a plan for a difficult conversation. For example, we could agree at the beginning of a conversation that: 1) We'll start by giving each of us a chance to say what we're unhappy about. 2) Then we'll make a list of what our main differences are. 3) Then we'll make a list of things we agree on or appreciate about each other. 4) Then we'll look at each of our differences in turn.
I can be pretty intense about things. Please don't just disappear or walk out. If you need a break, it works fine for me if you explain what you need and tell me when you'll be back and ready to talk again.

Things that people who favor Compromising Style often find useful as suggestions to others:

Being fair, realistic, moderate and reasonable is important to me. I appreciate it when others notice these values in me or bring them into a conversation about differences.
If you back off a bit from your position or request, I'm likely to do the same.
Take a "two-step approach" with me: 1) Say honestly what your first-choice solution would be; 2) Then without a lot of delay make an offer somewhere between your first choice and my first choice.
Don't drag the discussion on and on. Let's say what we want, find a compromise we can both live with, and then and get on with things.

Things that people who favor Harmonizing Style often find useful as suggestions to others

Talking about things in a way that is not angry or hostile is an important goal for me.
I tune out of conversations that are long, heavy, and intense. Keep it "light". Have a sense of humor, express appreciation, be positive.
For me, relationships always come before people. You'll probably get more of whatever you want from me if you use a twostep approach: 1) Begin on a light note and chat about non-serious things for a few minutes; 2) Only then settle down to serious discussion.
I appreciate small gestures of friendship: a kind note, a compliment, bring me a cup of coffee, a thoughtfully chosen gift, a card, acknowledgement of work I've done, etc.
Since I value relationships and hate offending anyone, it's easier for me to speak my mind if you assure me you really want to know what I think.
I handle long discussions better if we take regular breaks and "lighten up" from time to time.
I respect task-focused people who know how to notice and appreciate the human beings around them as they work.

Additional suggestions:

Support Strategies

Appreciated by Each Style

Every style has strengths and weaknesses. Operating from style strengths and avoiding their weaknesses is a major goal of self-management in conflict. And wouldn't it be great if people we live and work with (after all, that's who we quarrel most with) did the same thing?

In fact, you can do a lot to support people around you to function from the strengths of their styles. This is an act of care for another person, for it requires you to take steps on their behalf. But it is also a form of self-care - when others function from their best, things improve for us too.

Below are suggested support strategies for each style. None is certain to work for everyone in that style, but many are surprisingly effective on an "average" basis. We suggest you begin first with yourself. That is, read the strategies suggested for your highest scoring style. Think about which of these strategies you would welcome others to use to support you. This is important self-knowledge, that may help you to communicate clearly to others what you need from them in times of difficulty.

Then broaden your knowledge by looking at styles you may not personally favor. In this way, you position yourself to support people you live or work with to function at a higher level, which ultimately improves the atmosphere around you.

Click on the tabs for support strategies for each style.

As you get familiar with the styles, you will find you can recognize style preferences even in strangers, and you will have useful clues for how to respond in situations that previously confounded you.

Go to a template enabling easy editing of the information above so you can create a MySupport Page of strategies that work best for you.

Which Conflict Style Should You Use?

 

 

Each conflict style shines for certain purposes, and fails for others. Thus, choosing the style most likely to bring you the results you want is essential for good conflict management.

Expanding your comfort and skill with all five style is one of the easiest ways to improve your conflict management abilities. Why? Most of us favor one or two styles and over-use them. It's rewarding, and not so difficult, to improve your abilities in all five styles.

To build your toolbox of conflict styles: learn the strengths and limits of each style, so you can choose your response, consciously and wisely.

What to Do When You're Angry

 

 

No matter what your conflict style, conflict brings anger. So anger management is an essential part of conflict management. Some guiding principles: 

1. Anger is not the issue. How you manage it is what matters.

Anger is an emotion everyone experiences. Don’t wish it away – it provides resources essential to self-protection and survival. Its key resource is ability to respond quickly - with high energy - to threatening situations. Our goal should be to manage anger so its energies are directed constructively. We do this more easily if we consider it an ally requiring careful mobilization rather than an enemy to be rid of. 

2. Some people express anger externally, others direct it internally.

Anger that is externally expressed is easy to see - lots of noise, quick movements, and aggressive energy. Its dangers for relationships, emotions, and health are obvious. Anger directed internally is less visible, but carries large dangers of its own: chronic anxiety leading to stress-related illnesses and depression, relationships that die a slow, quiet death from distance and apathy, loss of hope and energy as people give up on things; periodic explosions when anger cannot be contained inside. If we only shut off or quieten expressions of anger we simply exchange one set of difficulties with another. The goal is healthy management of anger.

3. Anger is a secondary emotion.

There is always another emotion that comes before anger. Learn to be a good detective in uncovering what that emotion is, for when you can name it, you will move to a new level of self-management. Ask yourself – what other emotions do I sense here?

A clue: fear in one form or another lies behind almost all anger. Fear of injury, loss, or abandonment, fear of loss of autonomy or control, fear of embarrassment or exposure, etc. Most people are more in touch with anger than with their fears. After all, the heat and energy of anger is more life-giving than the cold paralysis of fear. And because anger rouses and activates, it has greater capacity to assist survival. But anger can easily crowd out attention to less noisy underlying issues. Anyone can learn to recognize the deep roots of their anger and, perhaps for the first time ever, position themselves to address it.

As you develop awareness of this primary emotion, work to understand it. Ask yourself:

• What sensations in my body do I associate with this emotion? (queasy gut, tight shoulders, sweaty palms, etc.)
• Where, when, with whom have I experienced this emotion in the past? Almost always, the emotions that trigger badly managed anger have their roots in experiences of childhood or youth.
• How did you deal with that past experience?
• What resources do you have today that you didn’t have or didn’t use back then?
• Some tools you can use to put that ancient experience to rest:
• Write a letter to someone who helped create the original fear. From a place of strength express your outrage. Do not send it; keep it for a few weeks, and when you are ready, destroy it.
• Write a letter of solidarity from yourself of today to yourself as you were in the original experience. File it, at least for a few months.
• With an understanding partner, roleplay a conversation with the source of your original anger.Be outraged and speak from a place of strength in the roleplay.

Recognize strengths or benefits that emerged in you as a result of that experience: grit, endurance, understanding, etc. No, this does not mean what happened was OK. It means rather that you are honoring your ability to not be completely defeated by hardship. Oddly, honoring strengths developed through hardship helps us rise above the past.

4. Self-awareness is key to anger management.

Anger is a problem when we are not able to make conscious choices about what to do with it. A rewarding path to anger management is simply to increase our ability to recognize its presence in us and our response to it. The suggestions in point 3 above can help do this. When we can consciously recognize the physical sensations that accompany anger, we make better choices about what to do with our emotions.

Some great tools for this are found in Buddhist literature, which sees lack of awareness as the primary obstacle to spiritual growth. Pema Chodron's "Don't Bite the Hook", for example, suggests that our inner response has "a familiar smell, a familiar taste" that we can easily learn to recognize. If we catch it early enough, she says, we can direct our response before it overwhelms us.

Mike Fisher, founder of the British Association of Anger Management, says anger is a defence mechanism against pain, and has produced a series of short, to-the-point free videos looking at anger from this perspective. (For fast reading, see the transcripts of the videos on that site, beneath the viewer) Some of these are for dealing with our own anger, some for dealing with the anger of others.

If you struggle with anger, seek greater awareness of the influence of pain, past and present, on your thoughts and emotions. Such awareness won't alone make the pain go away, but it can increase your ability to avoid being controlled by your pain. If you are hurt by the anger of others, you may find it empowering to consider them as individuals struggling - not very successfully - against deep inner pain.

5. Healthy expression of anger means talking about your anger without being aggressive.

Recent research shows that expressing anger in an angry way feeds the problem. You can talk about your anger without yielding to the impulse to be aggressive or to hurt others. Say that you are angry, say why you are angry, say what other people can do to help improve things - and say these things without being hurtful, hostile or rude. If you cannot yet do this, limit your communication when you are angry so you reduce the damage to others. Follow up with talking after you have cooled down, and use the cool-down time for detective work in preparation (see 3 above) or to review communication skills that might be useful.

When you talk, a formula that often helps to frame things in a non-aggressive way is the “I message”: “I feel….when you…. because…” A similar tool is the “Impact statement”: “The impact of what you do on me is the following….”

You are more likely to have a successful experience in this conversation if you agree on a way to structure it. For example:

• Use a “talking stick” and agree that you will pass it back and forth as you speak.You can speak only when you are holding the talking stick (pen, pillow, book, etc.)
• Agree on a sequence to organize the conversation, such as: “We’ll begin by giving each person 5 minutes to explain without interruption what they are upset about. Then we’ll try to list the issues where we disagree. Third, we’ll see if there are points that we agree on. Fourth, we’ll return to where we disagree and try to resolve those.
• Agree to ground rules.  For example, agree that each person needs to repeat back in their own words what the other person has said, to the satisfaction of that person, before responding.Carry this structure for at least 15 minutes into the conversation, and agree when to relax it. The pattern is: Person A speaks, Person B repeats back. Person B speaks, Person A repeats back. Repeat and continue. 

6. Conflict style awareness is a simple and powerful tool for self-management.

When you recognize there are at least five different ways to respond to any conflict you expand your options and increase your chances of responding constructively. Comedian Craig Ferguson says that he has learned, when he is angry, to ask himself three questions:

1) Does this need to be said?
2) Does this need to be said now?
3) Does this need to be said now by me?

That's actually a simple strategy for conflict avoidance, often a good short-term choice if we or others have difficulty with anger management. Similarly, remembering that there are skills we can use to find solutions that meet the needs of both sides may help us to invest the energy required to cooperate in exploring the needs of both sides.

7. Make things right when you cause harm.

Hurting others is an inevitable consequence of poorly managed anger. Fortunately, most people get over such hurt pretty quickly if you are diligent about cleaning up the mess you’ve made. Apologize, without condition. Not a cowardly “I’m sorry if I hurt you…” or a whiny, blaming “I’m sorry I said that but you were the one who started it…”

If you’ve done harm, be courageous and admit it openly, take responsibility for your own actions, and give the other person space to recover at their own timing. "What I said was hurtful and exaggerated. I hurt you and I’m sorry.” Know that people move at differing speeds to the point of readiness for such an exchange.

A critical point: Timing is everything in apologies, so do not rush the process. A hasty apology is often understood by others as – and ofen is - a polite form of shushing, a way of sparing the apologizer the effort and stress that comes with hearing a full articulation of the painful consequences of their actions. It also positions the apologizer one convenient step away from grabbing the role of wounded one, as in “But I've apologized, so why are you still angry!”  Offered as a hasty reaction or as a demand for forgiveness, apology may in fact be a mechanism for evading responsibility. At the very least, a too-hasty apology is likely to be perceived as such.

Apologize has the most transformative effect after someone who is wounded has recovered a bit and no longer at a peak of frustration.  If you caused the wound, consider a double apology – the first may be early and brief, just enough to signal your spirit and intentions. The second one may come later, after the other person has recovered composure and is ready to forgive. And of course sometimes it is a good idea to ask the one you have hurt: "I want to let you know that I am sorry about what I did, and I want to say this to you when you are ready to hear it.  Is this a good time or shall I wait?"

Learn Strengths and Weaknesses of Each Style

Why bother?  Because if you don't understand that each style is very useful for certain purposes and quite unhelpful for others, you will probably make things worse for yourself and others in some conflicts, even when your intentions are good.   If you understand each style you will have greater flexibility and freedom to choose the response that is right for you.

Click here for a graphic of all five styles on one page.

Click on the tabs below and get a summary of the strengths and weaknesses of each style.
In reviewing each style, note that:

• The key difference between the styles is the priorities of the user, that is, whether you focus on your own agenda, the relationship, or both.
• Each style has a certain kind of power, but it comes from differing sources.
• Each style provides certain benefits, but also has real limits and costs if relied on too much.

Click on the tabs.