Let's start with a caution: Setting aside your own wishes just for the sake of the relationship is not always a good option. Sometimes you know important things that no one else knows. Plus, you count too!
If you harmonize too much, you cheat yourself. You also cheat the world of the unique contribution that only you can make by asserting yourself.
But in well-chosen situations, Harmonizing is a great gift to those you live and work with, and potentially you as well. I'll show you a handful of transition phrases to help you shift gracefully into this conflict response.
Harmonizing brings grace, kindness and flexibility into relationships. Longterm partnerships need generous amounts of this other-oriented conflict style to thrive. Without it, endless disputation will wear you out and leave little room for joy.
If you scored high in Harmonizing while taking Style Matters, you already know this stuff. If not, it's never too late to learn!
Choose your battles. A first principle of Harmonizing is that human beings have limited time and energy for disputation. Yes, well-managed conflict can transform and renew. But too much conflict exhausts all involved. We should be choosy about what we take a stand on.
The ideal moment for Harmonizing is when you care a lot about the relationship and not so much about the issue (or your own goals) in contention. Think about friends deciding where to go for lunch, or partners considering which shade of white to paint a wall. Those issues don't matter enough to quarrel over!
Some people (usually high scorers in the Directing or Cooperating conflict style) seem to be wired to take every issue that comes along with great seriousness. This drives them to invest time and energy in things too trivial to merit the effort. If that's you, Harmonizing may not come naturally but you may benefit greatly from experimenting with greater use of it.
This is not rocket science. We all had to do a lot of Harmonizing to survive childhood!
The above is easy. It's not hard to be flexible when you don't care much about the issue. But it's harder when you do care about the issue, yet come to see that the other person cares more than you.
Exactly where you eat dinner might be a simple matter of convenience, cost, or taste for you. But for your partner it could be a matter of health. In a financial dispute, five hundred dollars might represent a few hours of work for one person, but for another it might mean days of labor.
Sometimes we only realize these things mid-way through negotiation. Then we need transition phrases for graceful course correction. How about one of these:
Then there are situations where you care a lot about the issues and in fact the needs of the other side don't seem persuasive. Yet you know it's very important to keep this person happy. Maybe you're in a job with a high power person you have to stay on the good side of. Or maybe disappointing a housemate or neighbor could disrupt a big piece of your life.
This is hard. It takes willpower! Transition phrases here:
Most people have had experiences of life in institutions where hierarchy and rank are a big factor in day-to-day life. Here being able to just "suck it up" and Harmonize even when you don't feel like can be an essential ability for survival. Still, sometimes you know things that need to be considered by others! In this case, you may be able to say this non-confrontationally, as "information we should bear in mind going forward," even as you signal your willingness to proceed on somebody else's terms.
Some people habitually dramatize the importance of their needs. If you're in a longterm partnership with such a person, watch out. If you set aside your own requirements whenever the dramatizer makes a case for the urgency of theirs, you'll end up over-Harmonizing. Those many small accommodations add up to a cost much bigger than you may realize.
Harmonizing doesn't come for free. Do not under-estimate its toll if it is all one way. You may be giving away things you can never recover - your health, your time, your self-respect, your values, your spirit. You may end up feeling you no longer know who you are.
For a hilarious skit dramatizing over-use of Harmonizing, see this six-minute clip from Saturday Night Live. The video also demonstrates many truly useful "softeners" that all of us should learn. They're funny when over-used, but quite useful and effective in small doses at the right moment.
If you feel chronically trapped by habitual over-use of Harmonizing, reach out for support. You need conversation with others to get perspective. If you are over-harmonizing mainly with one person who is primary in your life, do a web search on "High Conflict People". These are people who have deep patterns of frequent use of anger to manipulate others to their benefit, and they often end up partnering with - and exploiting - Harmonizers. Living or working with them is extremely challenging, for anyone. Mediator and social worker Bill Eddy has written a series of excellent books on the topic and you can also find resources free on Youtube and elsewhere.
Some HCP's have a narcissistic personality disorder, a toxic pattern in which a narcissistic person feeds on the satisfaction they get from feeling better than or in control of others around them. Those in close partnerships with them rarely break free from the pattern without support. The book It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula is superb resource in recognizing whether you've partnered with a narcissist and figuring out what to do about it. The path out is not easy but I know people who feel they "got their life back" with insights derived from this book. Discuss your situation with a trusted friend, a counselor, or a support group.
Monitor yourself for signs of burnout. There may come a time when you simply feel incapable of Harmonizing any longer. Try to figure out an exit strategy or ready yourself for a different response so you aren't permanently locked in.
The best rewards of Harmonizing come when both sides use it generously. This requires time, effort, and emotional maturity - it won't happen unless both sides actively think about the well-being of the other side and look for opportunities. Each must ask themselves: Is this issue one where giving in costs me little and benefits my partner a lot? When there is a balance of Harmonizing in many issues, both sides win frequently on things that matter. Fuel this virtuous spiral with gratitude. Notice and appreciate it when your partner harmonizes, and you'll likely get more of it. Both of you will benefit!
For LLM-assisted learning and practice of the Harmonizing conflict style
If you have experience with using AI, you can easily set up an interactive learning session with AI support, on Google's Gemini (free to anyone with a Google account) or other AI engine. Copy and paste this into the AI prompt: "I want to learn and practice skills for the Harmonizing style of conflict resolution as described in 3 sources, https://riverhouseepress.com/index.php/en/miscellaneous/choosing-the-right-style, https://riverhouseepress.com/index.php/en/miscellaneous/strategies-to-support-each-style, and https://riverhouseepress.com/index.php/en/conflict-styles-tips/harmonize-gracefully. Summarize the key concepts and skills and ask me if I'd like to continue learning by doing some roleplaying of the skills with you." [END OF PROMPT] We developed and tested that prompt on Gemini but it is likely to work with other AI engines as well. If you are new to AI, you might prefer to use Libra Live, an AI bot we've set up on the Riverhouse site. We've trained Libra carefully to guide you through a learning experience about conflict resolution based on learning methods we use. Since we designed Libra ourselves for conflict learning, it is more user-friendly than Gemini, and gives you about half an hour of free interaction. After that you have to purchase further time for a modest cost of a few dollars an hour. Since we are actively experimenting and enriching our site with AI-supported learning, we would be grateful for feedback, both positive and negative from your experiences.
This post is part of a series on transition phrases for effective conflict management by Ron Kraybill, PhD, author of the Style Matters conflict style inventory. Style Matters is a leading edge conflict style assessment that adapts to users' cultural preferences, and provides users with a ten page personalized report with detailed suggestions based on their scores. Copyright 2021, 2025. www.stylematters.net. You may reprint or repost this essay if you include this block of information on its source. All rights reserved.
