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The Cooperating Style of conflict management is about actively seeking ways for both sides to win everything they want. I assert myself clearly and confidently. You do the same. We work together to find solutions that allow us to both get what we want. I win and so do you - how wonderful!
Or maybe, how ridiculous. A magical conflict style that makes everyone happy? Ha, haa, haaa. We could be forgiven for starting a review of Cooperating with a big laugh. Real life isn't that easy and we all have stories to prove it.
But don't laugh too long. Our expectations in conflict tend to create what actually happens. For skeptics of Cooperating, life is an endless series of battles. They are right that some conflicts can't be resolved with this optimistic style. But if they never try, they miss ought on the discovery that in many conflicts there is more room for meeting the needs of both sides than they thought.
There's a cycle of pessimism and failure that gets triggered in many conflicts. People are upset and reactive. Things escalate, emotions rise, unkind things are said and done. This brings further escalation. Pessimists give up on resolution without ever having made a serious effort at joint discussion.
I've spent decades as a professional resource to people trapped in that place. The trap is real, but usually not because there are truly no win/win solutions available. A deficit of skill in using the Cooperating conflict style is usually a big part of their problems.
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This style is beneficial in many circumstances, and it is indispensable in situations where neither side can achieve their goals unless both sides are happy. Think: long-term relationship, high inter-dependency, important issues. When those three factors are present, it's essential to have good skills in Cooperating.
Cooperating is a both/and response to conflict. As shown with the blue arrows in the image above, It involves being highly committed to both your own goals and to the relationship (and therefore to helping the other person achieve their goals).
That's not the natural flow of things, though. Conflict creates a feeling that things must be eithor/or. We tend to act accordingly. Cooperating requires skill, self-discipline, and persistence in resisting the impulse to fight or flee.
Expect a learning curve! If you were fortunate enough to grew up with frequent modeling of Cooperating by parents, teachers, or mentors, you may find it easy. But most people don't. Practice in easy situations till you get the hang of how to be committed to both your own goals and the other person's goals at the same time.
Cooperating is hard work, of a very specific kind. People have to stop reacting and start listening to each other. Not pretending to listen while mentally reloading for the next round, but actively seeking to understand what the other seeks. Only if both sides are willing to do that is win/win possible. If you've never worked on what is known as "active listening", do a web search on the term. You'll find many resource pages, for many different settings. Pick out several in settings that fit your life. Read and re-read, and begin practicing the skills required.
Start in non-conflictual situations where you will use the skill to convey support - perhaps a colleague struggling with a difficult decision, a partner distressed about a life situation, or a child upset about school. You'll be richly rewarded with deeper connections as you get comfortable with the basic moves of active listening. Mastering them in low stress settings will make it easier when you use them under fire.
Success in conflict management requires ability to influence the dynamics of interaction with others. For example, if someone approaches in a Directing style, pushing their agenda in ways that seem domineering, rude or self-centered, it's natural to want to reply in kind. But fighting consumes vast energy and can destroy possibilities of working together. Or if someone persistently uses Avoiding response with you, important issues may go unaddressed. In both cases, you benefit by initiating a Cooperating exchange instead.
Transition phrases help do this. In my other blog posts you can find such phrases for other conflict styles. But Cooperating requires some level of buy-in from your counterpart. So transitioning to Cooperating is often more like a phase than a phrase.Suggest a Cooperating approach. One way to transition to Cooperating is to suggest trying a different way of talking about things:
Just start using Cooperating strategies. Another way to transition to Cooperating is to simply start using Cooperating skills yourself. Your good questions, your careful listening, your obvious desire for both of you to be supported may change the dynamics and bring forth similar responses from others. The shift may not happen quickly - be prepared to persist!
For further ideas on Cooperating do a web search on "problem-solving tools". Any planning or discussion tool that brings order, clarity, and in-depth analysis to decision-making is likely to contribute to a Cooperating approach.
It's important to recognize that Cooperating is not the right response in all conflicts. It requires time, energy, patience, and self-regulation to succeed, and these are often in short supply. Some issues and some relationships don't merit the investment required. Some people have inappropriate agendas that you should not collaborate with. If you over-use this demanding response or persist in deploying it with people who don't reciprocate, you may burn yourself out and destroy your optimism about ever using it.
Conflict style agility is the goal. We should be good at every one of the five styles, so we can use each when appropriate. Inevitably there come times when we try a style and realize it's not bringing the results we sought. Then it's time to transition to a different style - see the other posts in this series for help in that.
Work on this style! The rewards - in terms of productivity, healthy relationships, good vibes, and learnings about self and others can be immense. When appropriately used, no other conflict response comes close to its capacity to facilitate expansion of energy and joy in relationships.
This post is part of a series on transition phrases for effective conflict management. See the whole series at www.kraybilltable.com
By Ron Kraybill, PhD, author of the Style Matters conflict style inventory, which provides users with an eight page personalized report offering detailed suggestions based on their scores. www.stylematters.netCopyright 2021. You may reprint or repost this essay so long as you include this block of information on its source. All rights reserved.
