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With half a century of adult life under my belt, I have few regrets about the occasional disagreements and arguments I've participated in over the years. It's not that I did things perfectly, but that the damage was limited. I got through those hard experiences, learned, healed, and moved on.
My regrets lie, surprisingly to me, in the times I should have stood my ground and didn't, in the rejections I didn't make, the times I wanted to or had a feeling I should say No and instead said Yes. As a result I wasted time and energy in involvements I had reservations about from the beginning. I wanted to "do the right thing" or be "nice". So I ignored the ambivalence that I felt and in a few cases paid dearly in time and emotional resources.
Life brings us many options and a measure of freedom to choose among them. This can be wonderful. But there's a downside too: We face endless bids for our attention, time, and money. It's easy to feel pressured to say yes to everything. We set ourselves up for trouble if we habitually say Yes when, inside, we want to say No. This can lead to burnout, resentment, a feeling of being overwhelmed, and eventually to painful conflict and broken relationships.
Of course, wanting to please others is natural and good. Sometimes we have a duty to do things we don't like. We'd be terrible parents, family members, friends, and colleagues if we don't step up to these anyway.
The call of duty is one thing. But a habit of ignoring our own thoughts and feelings to please others is something different. Are you good at recognizing the difference? If you are not, you are likely to do serious damage without intending it, not just to your peace of mind and happiness, but also to your relationships. Perhaps worst of all, you may handicap your ability to say a big bold Yes to things that really matter if you are distracted by many trivial commitments
Among Style Matters users, saying No is especially a challenge for those who score high in the Harmonizing conflict style. One of their gifts to the world is that they're wired to notice and attend to the wishes of others! The Cooperating conflict style also places a high priority on supporting others, and somewhat less so, the Compromising style.
That's three out of the five conflict styles. In other words, for the majority of human beings, No is pretty challenging.
I recommend two audio resources on this. One is "How to Say No", a one-hour episode on the podcast, Hidden Brain. Host Shankar Vedantam interviews psychologist and researcher Vanessa Patrick, who recounts her own difficulties with No, and her research around it. The other is a 14 minute AI-generated summary of the same podcast that captures most of the best insights from the much longer podcast. I'd suggest starting with the second because it is so entertaining and fast-moving. For a more indepth or research perspective, listen to the original, which is also quite engaging.
Patrick says that the dangers of saying Yes when we want to say No include:
Grumpiness and resentment. In research Patrick documented that "People who say No feel way better than people who say Yes when they wanted to say No. If you say Yes when you want to say No, very often you feel really resentful towards the other person. You feel angry and frustrated." Over time, this can lead to...
Damaged relationships, if our resentment builds up. This resentment may diminish our interest in relating to those we come to resent or surface in an unexpected explosion of anger over some small incident that triggers us.
Establishing a pattern of acquiescence to inappropriate requests that grow and become truly exploitative. Think of saying No as a muscle important to your survival. You need to use it regularly to keep it strong.
Like many conflict management skills, we can improve our ability to say No with thought and practice.
Strategic Postponement: Avoid making immediate decisions. Pause and postpone to a later time to make a considered choice. Recognizing my own people-pleasing instincts, I've developed the habit of replying to almost any request requiring a significant amount of my time and energy with, "I'd like to think about that and get back to you."
Personal Policies: Develop clear rules based on your values, preferences, and priorities to guide decisions on when to say yes or no. Use these rules to help evaluate your decisions. My friend Howard Zehr has a "No List" taped above his desk. His default answer to requests to speak or take other commitments is No, unless a request meets a list of criteria he has identified. Derek Sivers, a creative and successful entrepreneur, has written an insightful little book that has attracted many followers, Hell Yeah or No. He writes: "If you’re not feeling “Hell yeah, that would be awesome!” about something, say no." Sivers elaborates, "Say no to almost everything. This starts to free your time and mind. Then, when you find something you’re actually excited about, you’ll have the space in your life to give it your full attention. You’ll be able to take massive action, in a way that most people can’t, because you cleared away your clutter in advance. Saying no makes your yes more powerful." This principle has obvious limits - eg: if an aging family member asks you to drive them to a medical appointment. But I find it a helpful reference point for some decisions.
Empowered refusal. Ground your No in your identity and values. This enables you to speak with greater conviction and get less pushback. When I had small children at home I had a policy of not being gone more than two evenings per week. When a request came that took me over this, this clear policy made it easy to say, "I'm committed to time with my family and I'm at my limit right now." Nobody ever challenged that.
"I Don't" instead of "I Can't". This communicates a firm stance based on your identity, rather than an excuse that can be challenged. Vanessa Patrick says, "When you say, I don't, you are signaling that this is who you are, that it stems from your identity, and hence gives your refusal much more power."
Avoid Excuses. Giving excuses for saying No can leave the door open for further persuasion. Invoking a personal policy is better because it defines your stance and makes your decision more firm, and not up for negotiation in the long run.
Create a Life Aligned with Values. Saying No is an essential part of self-discovery and creating a life that is authentic. Our Yes and No shape our lives in practical ways. Patrick says "saying no is very much about creating the destiny that we want for ourselves." In the end, saying No is about more than declining a request, it is about taking responsibility for who we want to become.
You can easily deploy AI to practice and improve your ability to say No gracefully. Go to Google's free Gemini or another AI resource, and copy/paste this entire post into the AI engine. Prompt to AI: "Use the principles and strategies in the text above to help this person improve their skill in saying No. Interact with them in a helpful way by feeding them typical life situations when they should or might want to say No. With each situation, give opportunity for this person to respond with a graceful No, and give feedback on their response." Just do a global copy of the entire post and paste it into the AI prompt. If you'd like the AI to interact with you in a particular way, add a sentence about yourself with info like your age, your language, and/or the social context in which you want to practice. You're set for a great learning experience!
