A simple way to become more effective in conflict is getting good with conflict avoidance. The ability to step back from disagreement is an essential skill in life. But if we over-use avoidance, nothing gets resolved and bad feelings fester and grow, and eventually explode in ways that can be shocking. You may have experienced a tendency in yourself to over-use avoidance. Or maybe you live or work with people who won't come out in the open and say what they want. Either way, you'll benefit from a two-step approach to conflict resolution, a strategy many people find useful when the instinct to avoid conflict is strong, in you or someone else.
Let's start with appreciating the value of conflict avoidance. Life brings endless friction. We are confronted, goaded, and obstructed from every corner. It’s hard to get through even a day without someone or something in our face.
There's no reason to accept every opportunity for an argument. When someone honks or gives you the finger for your unexpected shift of lanes while driving, do you pull over to talk things through? What would be the point? You shrug, mutter to yourself, ignore the jackal, and drive on. That's wise conflict avoidance.
Mastering skillful avoidance is essential to survival: Silence, distance, non-involvement, non-responsiveness, impassiveness, circumspection, studied neutrality, inaccessibility, biding your time. All have a place as strategies to avoid battles not worth the cost of fighting or when the timing is not right.
Choose your battles. Manage carefully how you use the energies you direct into conflict. If you’re not good at conflict avoiding, get to work on it!
BUT. If shrugging, ignoring and moving on is your primary response to all conflict, you'll pay a high price. Early in my career I was puzzled to discover that the conflicted organizations I worked with seemed to be full of the nicest of people. In one-on-one interaction I was often touched by their kindness and good intentions. In these places where people tried so hard to be nice, why such vicious battles?
When people avoid conflict for years, eventually they seethe inside. Feelings grow too strong to hold back, and at some point things explode. The trigger might be small. "Long periods of cottony silence punctuated by periodic explosions" was how one person described her experience in a conflict-avoiding group.
If you over-use conflict avoidance in long-term relationships, you're setting up trouble. When issues fester unresolved, feelings grow. Then, when they do finally burst into the open, they are harder to manage than ever.
Think of conflict resolution as a muscle that requires regular use. If you don’t develop and maintain your skills for constructive confronting on small issues, you’ll be more likely to lose control on big ones.
If overuse of conflict avoidance is an issue in your life, for you or for others around you, you can do something about it.
Start by understanding the benefits of avoiding. Conflict avoidance gives opportunity to: 1) Manage emotions and reduce stress and tension; 2) Gather information about the issues, options, and people involved before taking a stand or making a decision; 3) Withdraw, review, and prepare for constructive engagement.
You can achieve all those benefits without staying stuck in avoidance by using a two-step approach that provides space to think things through and prepare for conversation:
1) Step One: Have a short "tabling" conversation to acknowledge or inform your counterpart that there are issues requiring discussion. Take care not to let this initial exchange go deep or long as this would defeat the purpose of the whole strategy. Aim for a short, light initial indication that discussion is needed and seek agreement on a time for extended conversation later.
2) Step Two: Have the discussion at a mutually agreed time and place, after those involved have had a chance to think through their views, expectations, hopes, etc.
I learned this version of the two-step from Dr. Barbara Date of Eugene, Oregon, who learned it from Professor Susan Gilmore at University of Oregon. Barbara tells of a friend whose young son loved to go to the beach. Her friend would sometimes wake up on Saturday morning, notice a beautiful day dawning, and at breakfast say, “Let’s go to the beach!” His son would then get upset and start crying!
The concept of two-step mental processing helps make sense of the puzzle. The boy was a person who needs time to think things through and prepare himself internally. Whether a proposed idea is delightful or difficult made no difference. Unexpected change with no time to process it was disturbing.Some people, whether by nature or habit, want to review the options, count the costs, tally the numbers, organize their data or thoughts, review their feelings, etc., before doing or saying anything. For them, conflict avoidance is a natural and helpful response.
Such people are wired with a deep need to do an internal review before engaging deeply or committing to anything. For them, a request or proposal that requires an immediate answer is swimming against the natural order of life. For them, Barbara Date says, “If you insist on an answer now, it’s usually no. If you can wait, the answer is often maybe”.
The two-step is not helpful for everyone. Some people, often those scoring high in the Directing or Cooperating conflict style, prefer to deal with things right away. But if you sense conflict avoidance in yourself or in another person, try the Two Step. By creating a no-pressure preparation zone to prepare for discussion you can turn conflict avoidance into a strength.
